How to start over in a relationship is not a matter of rationality, but rather one that has to do more with emotions and the brain. Relationships can sometimes get hard and it is not easy to control your emotions, but if you understand what truly matters to you then you will be able to overcome any obstacles.
In this article, we are going to talk about the reasons behind the problems that might lead you to question if you can have a fresh start in a relationship but also about what psychology and researchers have to say about it. Moreover, we are going to help you understand where your emotions come from and how to deal with them.
What does it mean to start over in a relationship?
To better understand this it is important to determine the causes that lead to problems in relationships. Among the reasons that lead people to feel the need for a relationship boost are that one of the partners has been unfaithful and that one partner has been violent.
There are some other reasons, obviously, but these are among the ones that people usually experience and these are the ones that usually lead to breakups. Realizing that you have a problem and arriving at the conclusion that you want to fix it is an act of courage and it means that you have realized that you cherish the person beside you.
Starting your relationship over from the beginning means that you decide to solve your problems and try to leave them behind in order to have a healthy and long-lasting connection with your partner.
How to start over in a relationship after cheating?
If one of the persons involved in a relationship has had an affair, it is important to differentiate a one night stand from a long time affair. This is important because you have to understand the motives behind infidelity. This means that the cheating partner might have fallen in love with someone else or he or she might have been responding to the heat of the moment.
People who are cheating usually experience emotional pain that meets the perfect opportunity for the affair to happen. They might feel disconnected from their partner or emotionally abandoned and they want to feel good again.
Even though it hurts when your loved one cheats, it is essential to understand that you are partners and that you have to solve the problem together. It is easy to put the blame on one another but to solve your problems, the most important thing is to decide that you are important to one another and that you want the other person to be present in your life.
The factors that are involved in deciding that you want to stick together even after a partner has been cheating are motivation, showing kindness to your partner, and finding meaning in the experience.
What does this mean? Well, it means that you have to have a motivation to stick together, that can be the number of years spent together or the feelings that you still have for one another.
Also, if you care about your partner, you might feel that you have to be kind to them and show forgiveness and it is also possible that you find the meaning behind cheating in order to identify the problem and try to fix it together as a team.
Psychologists recommend some things that you can do in order to start your relationship over. These include managing memories, practicing forgiveness, and attending couple counseling.
1. Memory management
To be able to better manage your memories means to first observe your thoughts about the problem. Try and analyze what triggers your negative emotions and what is the cue that leads you to think about the fact that your partner has cheated. Then try to observe how much time you spend thinking about it and try to analyze how often you tell yourself ‘if only’ or ‘what if’.
A good strategy is to focus less on the memory and more on the fact that you cherish your partner and you are willing to be together again. Stop asking yourself ‘what if’ and focus your attention on the good things that are about to come and on how to get close to your partner again.
2. Practice forgiveness
Forgiveness means that you understand what your partner was going through when cheating and you accept that they are sorry, so you make a conscious choice to forgive them. There are many ways in which you can practice this and people use different strategies.
The Buddhist philosophy encourages practicing forgiveness by imagining that the person you have to forgive is your mom or your child or any other person that you love beyond comprehension. Then, try and project the feeling you have toward them upon your partner.
If this is not something that you want to try, you can choose a method that works for you. The important thing is to practice forgiveness because this will help you a lot in starting over.
3. Attend couple counseling
There are times when dealing with this problem is overwhelming and you don’t have to put yourself down if you are suffering. Suffering is normal and, if you feel like you don’t have the emotional energy to do this alone, you should attend some sessions of couple counseling where a professional will talk about the strategies that work for you.
Many couples do this and there are a lot of reasons why you should try it even if you feel like you have things under control. You might misunderstand what your partner thinks or feels and an objective input is always welcomed for you to better understand what is going on and what you need to do next for the relationship to work better.
Can you start over in an abusive relationship?
The question that abused people often ask themself is if it is really worth it. The types of abuse can be multiple and among them is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. When this happens, it is important to get your partner to realize that what they are doing is not healthy behavior.
If they do this, you have to find ways to fix the problem. There is no need to talk about this if they don’t realize it because it is obvious that in this case, the solution is to leave the abusive relationship. Couple counseling is a great option but the most important thing is that the abusive partner gets professional psychological help.
It might take a long time before you completely solve your problems, but if you commit to it you will be able to overcome it. However, before engaging in this journey you should ask yourself what you really want, if you and your partner share the same values and how you should position yourself in the relationship.
People who are abused often tend to act like victims and for a good reason, they are victims. An important thing you can do is to regain your self-esteem and work on getting stronger in order not to be afraid anymore.
We should make it clear that if you have experienced physical violence you should take a step back before starting over and thoroughly analyze the problem. Unless your partner is truly committed to attending therapy sessions and really making an effort to solve this problem you should really think twice about getting back together.
There is always a way to start over in a relationship and, besides the reasons we have talked about here, there are multiple reasons why someone might want to start over in a relationship.
Monotony can also be a problem and it is important to understand that some strategies work regardless of the problem if we are talking about reasons that exclude physical violence. A partner might be having drug problems and this too is a very serious matter that needs to be assessed by a professional.
However, if you are experiencing problems other than substance abuse or extreme physical violence you can start by analyzing your behavior and that of your partner’s and try to identify what are the key points that you can improve. Then, making a decision to go on the journey of fixing the problems together is also a very important step.
And there is another essential thing that you have to do and that is to be open about it and keep in mind the possibility that you might also have things to work on and that the reasons why a relationship does not work do not always go in one direction.
You have to be prepared and open to the idea that you might have to work on yourself in order for the relationship to be brought on the right track and realize that if you decide to work on starting over in a relationship with your partner you have to work as a team and that every member of a team is essential for the things to point into the right direction.